Not The Very Best Experience, Actually
by saphira and shruikan
Summary: People would kill for this chance. Not me. I just wanted to go home.
1. Middle Of Nowhere

_**Not The Very Best Experience, Actually**_

**So . . . let me explain before doing this.**

**I don't like self-inserts. They almost always take a nosedive into Mary-Sue territory. I always skip right over them when I see them. So I was browsing through the communities on and spotted one called "worst Zelda fanfiction." Now, since I'm a sucker for reducing my faith in humanity, I decided to check it out. And most of them involved OCs or self-inserts. So it got me thinking: is it possible to write a self-insert and meet Link without it becoming a Mary Sue fic, and therefore bad?**

**This is my attempt. I'm not aiming high. I'm not aiming for this to be good, or even average. It could be horrible for all I care. I'm just trying not to make it Mary Sue-ish. I don't know if that's possible, actually. Can you tell me if I succeeded?**

**Rated T for language. I curse a lot in my mind.**

**Middle Of Nowhere**

Three things occurred to me when I woke up this morning.

One: When did it get so windy in my room?

Two: Where is my bed and why am I laying on the grass?

Three: _Where did the world go?_

So you can probably imagine the panic I was in when I woke up this morning to find myself on a tiny floating disk of compacted earth.

Floating. As in, in the sky.

In the middle of nowhere.

To say I had no clue as to what was going on would be an understatement. After I had a minor freak-out that basically consisted of _Holygoddamnshit Iamstrandedonanaisland thatisfloating anditshouldnotbeabletofloat_, I curled up in a fetal position and tried to search my memory for an answer. Last night I was playing Bioshock. I went to bed around eleven. I forgot to put Pia in her crate, but whatever, I'd done that before, and she wasn't going anywhere. I fed the cats and let them out. I turned out all the lights. Brushed my teeth. Forgot to put on my retainer, but screw my retainer. Climbed into bed. Fell asleep.

Did someone kidnap me and . . . just decide to randomly strand me here? Okay, if it was even possible that I could sleep through that, then why . . . just _why?_ How was this tiny disk of land floating? It was probably ten feet across and circular, and covered in sparse green grass. It didn't look too strong. I sidled to the edge and beat the ground with the palm of my hand. Seemed sturdy enough, though I wasn't taking any chances. My curiosity got the better of me and I crumbled a little bit of dirt off the edge and let go of it. It fell. Huh. I guessed it was only the big mass of dirt that could float.

The sun was brighter and more intense up here. I was kind of thirsty, and hungry too. I supposed it was breakfast time right about now. What I wouldn't give for my normal bowl of cereal right about now.

I glanced around, squinting to get the annoying sunlight out of my eyes. There were specks in the distance, which I guessed were more floating islands. Above me was blue sky, interrupted by small wisps of thin cloud that floated along their merry way. Far below me was a solid cloud bank that stretched as far as the eye could see.

A blast of violent wind nearly knocked me over right then, and I grabbed at the grass and hunched over to avoid falling to my death. The wind was so much stronger up here than I was used to. It wasn't that cold, but I found myself shivering nonetheless. I didn't want to be up here. I wanted to go home. I wanted to give my mom and dad a hug and cuddle with Leo and wrestle with Pia. I wanted to go back to playing Xbox without having to worry about being knocked off the edge of this tiny world.

I've always wanted to fly. Who doesn't? People can't fly, so we always fantasize about it. You know, unless you're scared of heights. We always try to imagine what it's like to go from one place to the other whenever we want, and to be able to look down at the world below. If you had told me I would've been here a day ago, I would've been excited. Not now. I wanted my feet on solid ground. I wanted to go _home._

My mom was probably freaking out right about now. She would see me gone and call me, and of course I wouldn't answer, then my dad, then my sisters, then my friends, then the police. Great. Why couldn't I have slept in the sweatpants that had pockets, and kept my phone in there? Then I could've called her. Though there was probably no reception up here. And that thought got me wondering how I was up here, and how I got up here, and my brain just turned into a confused and muddled mess again.

I tapped my toes, wrapped in my fuzzy socks, on the grass around me. I had to go to the bathroom. I was hungry. I was thirsty. And another horrifying thought occurred to me, one that probably should've occurred to me earlier: How was I going to get down? I couldn't exactly call for help. I hadn't seen any planes or blimps or whatever came flying up here. I hadn't even seen any birds.

Then it came clear to me, very clear, that I could die up here. I could starve to death or die of thirst, and no one would ever know where I was. I would show up on all those missing persons channels and websites, but no one would call. My parents . . . it would destroy them.

A lump rose in my throat. I wanted to go home. I didn't want to die up here. I wasn't even out of high school yet. I hadn't even kissed my boyfriend yet. I had just gotten five new Xbox games from my cousin and I wanted to play them all. I'm not going to achieve or fail at anything else in my life, ever again.

A shadow fell over me, but I didn't pay attention. It was just another cloud, floating across the sun. But when the shadow didn't go away and a faint beating sound met my ears, I looked up.

A shape floated over me, blocking the sun. It was hard to make out, but it looked like a bird. Maybe a hawk, searching for prey. Or a vulture, waiting for me to die.

Actually, it couldn't have been. The wings were too long and thin for a vulture or a hawk, and it flapped differently, a kind of lurching sort of thing. A huge seagull?

Suddenly it got a whole lot bigger, and darted out of the sunlight. I jerked back; that thing was _massive, _as big as an airborne horse. It was dark blue-grey and had white wings streaked with red.

It was coming right for me.

I nearly threw myself off the island in surprise, it came so close. As it soared past, I saw the gleam of an amber eye, and a banana-shaped beak that ended with a dark hook.

A blue shoebill?

And then I saw the person on its back, staring right at me, wearing an odd maroon-colored costume, and my jaw dropped.

Either I was dreaming, hallucinating, high, or drunk . . . or this was the most fucked-up Zelda cosplay in the history of the _world_.

The bird swept around and landed on my island. I skittered away and crouched, not wanting to stand but not wanting to be rude or weird. The bird sheathed its wings and rasped at me, tilting its head. The person climbed down. She was a blonde woman in a dark red costume that looked a _hell_ of a lot like a Skyloft Knight's costume from Skyward Sword. She had goggles that covered most of her face, and on the top of her goggles was the crest of the Knight's Academy. Any chance of this _not_ having anything to do with Skyward Sword officially vanished then; I knew that symbol anywhere.

She took her goggles off and hung it on her belt, then looked up and smiled at me. She looked nice, I guessed. "Hi!" she said in a friendly way. "Where are you from, sweetie? You need any help? It's not safe to be alone all the way out here."

She had a British accent. Why do fantasy things _always_ have a British accent?

"Uh, hi," I said back croakily.

It was silent for a bit, and I guessed she was waiting for me to answer. I said, "Um . . . where are we?"

"Well, we're halfway between the Lumpy Pumpkin and Star Village. Where're you from again?"

"Uh, I don't know," I answered honestly. "I just woke up here and I have no idea how I got here. What is that?" I pointed at her bird.

She gave me a look, like I was absolutely insane. "A Loftwing?"

Holy crap. _Where am I?_

"Where's your Loftwing?" the woman asked, looking around. "He desert you? They do that sometimes, if you tick them off. I don't know how many times this old girl has stranded me somewhere to punish me." She gave her bird a friendly shove.

"No, I don't have a Loftwing." The phrase feels weird coming from my mouth, talking about it so casually as if they existed. And apparently they did. And I couldn't stop looking at it. No offense to it, but it was cuter in the game. In real life its eyes were a little smaller and there were more feathers bunched over them, giving it a stern and surly look. Its beak was scuffed and dusty and its legs were thinner and muddier. Its neck was short and there were random feathers sticking out of its chest. It had a leather buckle collar around its neck. But it didn't matter. This was one big, beautiful bird.

The woman narrowed her eyes and stared at me. "How old are you, sweetie?"

"Fifteen."

A look of understanding crossed her face. She nodded solemnly. "I'm sorry."

". . . For what? I've never had a Loftwing."

Now she was looking down at me in shock. "Where are you from?"

I swallowed, about to start my incredibly long and probably crazy answer, but then my stomach decided to be an attention hog and growl loudly. I grimaced, and the woman chuckled. "Hungry, huh?"

I nodded silently.

"Want me to take you home?"

"Um, I live down there," I said, pointing down at the cloud layer, knowing the implications of what I said, since according to the game Skyloftians didn't know about the surface. But then again, I didn't exactly live on _that_ surface, did I? Down there was Faron Woods and Lanayru Desert and Eldin Volcano, and I sure as hell knew I don't live near _those._

And then the full force of all this hit me like a ten-ton wave of pure fuck-you-Taylor. If I'm not crazy or if this is not some elaborate prank, then I am in the Legend of Zelda. As in, _in the Legend of Zelda._ A game. Made by Japanese people. That's not _possible._

People would kill for this chance. Right now I would kill to _go the fuck home._

Did that mean Link and Zelda existed, too? And by extension, the Crimson Loftwing and Groose and Gaepora and Pipit and Fledge and all of them existed? Wait, that meant that _monsters_ existed, and magic, and all this crazy stuff that existed but shouldn't. And – oh God – did that mean Ghirahim existed? _Demise? _I liked those guys . . . but as game villains that couldn't touch me. Now that I was apparently sharing a world with them they got a whole lot scarier. They were basically all-powerful all-evil mass murderers, the kind of people that commit genocide off-screen where you can't see it when you're actually playing the game. But I was _in _the game. I half expected the Imprisoned to rear its ugly head out of the clouds and spear me with its teeth.

I wondered where I was in the "game," or wherever the hell I was. Was this before, during, or after the events of Skyward Sword? Was Link born yet? Whatever happened, I wanted to find that guy and _stick with him._ According to the games, he was pretty much the only useful person in Hyrule. Or Skyloft. Or the sky. Wherever the fuck we were.

I snapped back to reality – a really screwed up reality – as the woman said, "I don't know any communities down there. What's the name?"

"No, I mean, I live on the surface. Uh . . . it's really hard to explain, and it'll take a while . . ."

"Oh! Sure. Let's go, you've been up here all morning, right?" she said, all friendly and unquestioning again. She walked over and offered me a hand.

I stared at it for a while, not really trusting my feet to keep me steady – what if I tripped? But then I saw her Loftwing – which should not exist, but the way – and felt a little bit reassured.

I let her help me up, trying to blink away frustrated tears.

I didn't want to be here.

I wanted to go home.

But I didn't know how, and I probably never would.

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**I should probably abandon this.**


	2. Familiar Face

**Well, quite obviously, I guess I'm not abandoning this. Everyone who reviewed told me to continue, so as long as some people want to read it I'll keep it up. I have the ending planned; it's the middle I need to work out. Thanks, guys! Reviews fill me with feather fluff.**

**Familiar Face**

Yeah, remember what I said about how we humans always try to imagine what it's like to fly?

Guess what I did.

And take it from me, it is _goddamn terrifying._

Now, I thought I'd always been unafraid of heights. I liked airplanes, and loved birds. But nothing prepared me for climbing on a giant bird's back and letting it ferry me to a town I'd never dreamed existed.

The Skyloft Knight was nice and patient the whole time. She introduced herself as Perigra and her bird as Ruti, and I told her my name too.

"Taylor?" she said, tilting her head. "That's a . . . different name."

I kind of wanted to joke that she shouldn't talk, coming from a society obsessed with naming their kids after birds, but I stayed silent. She probably wouldn't get it.

"So, Taylor, ready for a spin on Ruti? We'll take you to Skyloft, maybe you can find someone to help you more there," she said, smiling, gesturing to her blue Loftwing.

_Tilt the Wii remote in the direction you want to go,_ I thought absurdly. "Uh, sure," I answered quickly. Skyloft held all the people I (sort of) knew. I could ask someone to help me there. And, honestly, I was excited. Flying on a Loftwing? When are you ever going to do that again in your life? Oh, the things I would tell Eric and Hannah and Jeremy-

But then I remembered I had no idea how to get to them. My spirits fell again.

"Hey, it's not that scary," Perigra said, misinterpreting my forlorn expression. "I won't let you fall, and even if you do we'll catch you. We're pretty fast."

"Thanks." She led me over to her bird. If she seemed big before, she was even bigger up close. She rasped again and stared at me unblinkingly with her left eye. Her beak was really shiny.

Perigra gave me a leg up onto the bird's back. I was never much of a horse person (my sisters and my mom were the horse people, not me), but I'd been riding before (if you can call bouncing up and down on a horse's back riding), and the Loftwing was nothing like a horse. For one thing, there was no saddle. Its back was thin and bonier, without all the fat and muscle of a horse. All the bird's big muscles were in her chest. She didn't have that feeling of constantly-about-to-fall-over like a horse does when it's shifting its feet. She stood calm and still. Unfortunately for me, her back tilted up, and I kept sliding down. I tried to put my legs in front of her wings, both to stay out of their way and to anchor myself to the same place for three goddamn seconds.

"You're not used to this, are you? Of course you're not, you said you didn't have a Loftwing." She vaulted herself up behind me. Ruti shifted, and I flailed like a madwoman at the sudden movement. Perigra chuckled. "Just sit as still as possible. Squeeze with your legs, put your hands on either side of her neck. I'm right here."

Her words reassured me a little, and I smiled, feeling lucky for being found by such a nice lady. But _that_ nice sensation evaporated quickly when Ruti spread her wings and strode to the edge of the little saucer island I woke up on. I uttered a rather girly squeal of surprise and hunched over, trying to keep my balance. Perigra put a hand on my shoulder.

Ruti flapped her wings twice, then crouched and jumped off the island. I grabbed her feathers, trying not to pull them but at the same time trying not to die. Ruti folded her neck and spread her wings fully. And we were soaring.

I kind of sat there like a terrified lump, rather disappointed in myself. I always thought I loved the sky. Now I knew I had known nothing about it.

Riding a Loftwing is fun, I guess. Once I regained some measure of composure I started admiring the view. The cloud barrier stretched as far as the eye could see, and the air was dotted with little circle islands and some bigger ones. We went pretty fast, not too fast that it was deafening but I could constantly hear a faint whistle of wind. Ruti was a very smooth flier, thank God. We passed over a few islands with little villages on them, and I'm pretty sure I recognized the Lumpy Pumpkin. I wasn't too sure, though. My visual memory sucks. I'd already forgotten what Perigra's face looked like, even though she was right behind me.

There was a constant dot ahead of us, and with each wingbeat it only got bigger. I figured that was Skyloft, and got a little excited. Real video game characters lived on there. I wondered if they would look weird in real life, without the game graphics. How do cell-shaded people translate into real life?

_Then again, how does a real life person translate into a fucking video game, Taylor? Did you think about that?_

Sometimes I don't really like talking to myself. I'm kind of mean.

We passed through a section of the sky where no islands floated, and then all of a sudden there was a ton, clustered together around what I assumed was Skyloft. _This wasn't in the game,_ I thought frantically as Ruti swerved and dipped through the chunks of rock and grass. I was pretty much strangling the poor bird, I was so scared. Perigra was saying something to reassure me, I guess, but honestly I couldn't even hear her.

The thicket thinned, and Ruti dove under a suspiciously DNA-ish double helix of rock. I gave a little shriek (very girly, I couldn't believe myself) and ducked like she was trying to knock me off. I think Perigra laughed, but it sounded like she stifled it to be polite.

Ruti skimmed below the spiral, which spun kind of slowly, like it was spinning in cytoplasm (Mr. B would've been proud of me, such descriptive science-y words). She rose again when we'd passed it and all of a sudden I was struck in the face with the realization that yes, Taylor my girl, you are in a goddamn video game.

It was definitely Skyloft. The hugest, biggest set of islands we've seen by far. Connected by bridges and covered in houses and gardens and parks and other strange buildings. Loftwings of all sizes and colors swirled around the airborne town. A huge purple tent that I figured was the Bazaar was set up near a large area of cobblestone that I also figured was the plaza. Wooden docks sprouted from all kinds of places over the open sky. Was that thing the Light Tower? And those windmills from that ridiculously long sidequest near the end of the game? Was that big building on one of the top levels the Academy?

But the big seller was the highest island rising near the back of Skyloft. The Goddess in all her stony, humungous glory smiled with her eyes closed and hands held out, watching quietly over the entire town. She was truly huge in real life.

Nothing could prepare anyone for this.

No game, no graphics, no clever technology could compare with this . . . the _real_ thing.

For the first time, I felt a little hopeful.

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We landed in the plaza, amid crowds of chatting and picnicking people. They looked around at us, did a double take at me, and then ignored us. Oh, the wonders of the lack of curiosity crowds possess.

I couldn't deny I was damn thankful for their lack of interest. No one acted like I existed. I couldn't ask for more. I was feeling a little self conscious in my pajamas. But hey, my pajamas were pretty tame compared to what these people were wearing. Clothes of all colors and shapes, hats with crazy designs, shoes with weird attachments. I saw people with brown and blonde hair, but I also saw people with fiery red hair, blackish-blue hair, and even _green _hair. I was kind of ordinary.

Perigra jumped off of Ruti and gestured for me to do the same. I slid off slowly and almost fell when my feet touched the ground. My legs were shaking like crazy and refused to support me, shocked and traumatized as I had been from all the flying. Perigra grabbed my arm and helped me settle on my tingling feet. Gah, I _hated_ this feeling. Last time it happened to me I'd been at the animal shelter I volunteer for, and gotten a little too close to a mother pit bull near her litter. She thought I was a threat and started barking. Now, I love dogs, but being barked at ferociously by a big dog is a little humbling, to say the least.

I forced my knees to work, even if I couldn't feel them, and followed Perigra through the crowd. Ruti took off and circled above us, watching us silently. "So, Telor-"

"Taylor-"

"Sorry, Taylor. So, how about I take you to the Headmaster? He's the head of the school, but he's pretty much our leader, though he won't take an official title. He could probably help you out."

"Gaepora?" I asked, perking up at a name I knew. Perigra shot me a quizzical look.

"You know the Headmaster?" she asked.

"Uh . . . it's kind of a long story. I'll tell you when we see him so I can say it once." _Stupid, stupid, Taylor,_ I chided myself. _They don't know you, and from their perspective you can't possibly know them. What're you gonna say, "Oh, hey, guys, you're all not supposed to be real, you're just video game characters!"_

_Shut the fuck up, conscience,_ I shot back, in one of my rare moments of thinking in complete sentences. _No one asked you._

But Taylor (myself?) had brought up an important issue. How was I possibly going to explain to them where I came from? How could I make it sound completely rational? These people were practically medieval, no offense to them. What exactly did they do to people they think insane?

"Hey," Perigra said softly, looking back at me. "Everything's going to be fine. Headmaster Gaepora and I will get you home safe and sound."

I couldn't help smiling. She was so nice, and so effortlessly nice too. She really cared. _If only more people were like you in the real world._ "Thanks. I mean, for everything you've done for me. You probably think I'm crazy."

"Nah." She shrugged, shaking her head. Then she looked me right in the eyes and said, "I think you're scared, and tired, and lonely. I think you're confused. And I think you just miss home."

I couldn't think of anything to say. I swallowed thickly, trying to blink back more tears without making it obvious. "Yeah," I said hoarsely. "I miss home."

"I've gotta say, you're not exactly what I was expecting," she said, lighthearted all of a sudden. "Foreign name, foreign accent . . . and no offense, but you dress weird." We both laughed.

"But I don't think you're entirely alone," she added thoughtfully. "I've heard of kids in weird clothes being picked up and brought here before, but I never saw any when I was patrolling. And the knights involved always tend to get promoted for some reason."

_Kids in weird clothes. . . ?_

"Well, first thing's first," she said, putting a hand on my shoulder and shaking me out of my thoughts. "I bet you have to go to the lady's room, and you're dying of hunger and thirst."

_Uh, hell yeah._ Now that she reminded me, yes, I really could use a bathroom. And a bowl of cereal.

She led me to a small building that I realized was a public restroom. Hey, I didn't think they'd have those in the Legend of Zelda. And it was normal, too, save for the fact that everything was made of metal and wood, not porcelain. No one else was inside, thank God. When I was done she was waiting outside, leaning against the wall and watching Ruti make spirals in the sky. "She's so pretty," I said, gesturing to her.

"Yeah, she's a gem." Perigra straightened up and looked at me. "I can't imagine life without her. You really never had a Loftwing?" I shook my head, preferring to leave the explanation for the big talk with the Headmaster.

I was about to say something back when I saw a reddish brown blur behind her shoulder. I looked, disregarded it, and then did a double take. My jaw dropped for the third time that day.

It was something- some_one_ I saw every day, and was so familiar I just couldn't process she was here, in this messed-up world, where she really stood out like a sore thumb. Dopey grin, light brown eyes, chestnut hair. Oh, yeah. There was no denying it.

"_Pia!"_ I yelled.

And sure enough, sniffing a bush like there wasn't a goddamn care in the world was my pit bull Pia, wagging her whip of a tail like crazy at all the new smells. She had both of her collars on – the pink one with her tags and the purple choke-chain one – and her leash was on her too, trailing behind her through the grass. She glanced up at my voice and flattened her ears against her head, wiggling her entire body with the force of her wagging tail.

I ran like an idiot around the bewildered Perigra to her, realizing too late that this was a stupid idea. Sure enough, Pia saw me running at her and darted away like a moron, thinking I was playing, her tags jingling and leaving a trail of sound for me to follow.

I whirled around to Perigra and yelled, "Come with me, please!" She was so confused that she did what I asked.

I ran around a house and saw Pia running at a couple walking down the path. They screamed and clutched each other like they were drowning. She ran right up to them and started jumping on them, so excited at seeing new people.

And, thankfully, she was so distracted that she didn't see me grab the leash.

With a mighty yank I tugged her off the couple, saying the usual things: "Sorry, she's an idiot, she's just friendly, she wasn't attacking you, she just wanted to lick you." Pia danced around and nearly toppled me over, and tried to jump on the couple again. I dragged her away toward Perigra, who was frozen in shock.

"What _is _that?" she asked, staring at my dog like she had three heads.

"My dog." No response from Perigra.

Wait, had there been any dogs in Skyward Sword? What if there were none, and Pia looked like a giant, furry animal with fangs to them? Crap. More complicated things.

"She's a dog. They're like big, clumsy, stupid cats- I mean Remlits. Big stupid Remlits." Pia started straining against the leash toward Perigra and I let her approach. Perigra looked petrified, but raised a hand toward my dog's nose. Pia licked it eagerly.

Perigra looked kind of charmed.

I knelt and dragged Pia toward me. She hadn't seen me all day, therefore in her book I had to be thoroughly sniffed and licked in the face. I gave her a big hug and let her lick me for once. I'd never been so glad to see her. "How'd you get here, huh? How'd you get here, my sweet girl?" I asked her in that sing-song-y voice we all hate but still use when speaking to our pets.

"Are you sure that's . . . safe?" Perigra asked, still staring at Pia with my head and neck right next to her mouth.

Anger instantly flared up inside me, but I quelled it when I reminded myself she was judging based on species, not breed. "Yeah, she's really friendly. She won't hurt anyone."

Perigra still looked doubtful. I realized that Ruti was right behind her, hissing lowly with her feathers slicked down to her body. I moved Pia away a little, even though she was trying to sniff Ruti. She whimpered in frustration, and Ruti's hiss deepened.

So far today I've woken up on a floating island, rode a giant bird, visited a city that shouldn't exist, and was about to meet a person I never knew was real. And now my dog of all people has shown up on the same island.

Things weren't making sense, to say the least. I was seriously looking forward to talking to Gaepora. But if he couldn't help me . . . who could?

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**Dramatic eeeeeeeenddddiiiiiiiiiiiing.**

**One thing I've noticed about self-inserts is they either go alone or with other Zelda-loving friends. Now, wouldn't it be a nice change if I not only bring in a non-Zelda-lover, but an animal? I've always wanted to write about my dog so I'm making the most of this opportunity!**

**Perigra - distortion of the Peregrine falcon, the fastest bird in the world.**

**Ruti - distortion of Ruto, the Water Sage from Ocarina of Time.**

**I always seem to update late at night. The fudge's with that?**


	3. Not-So-Familiar Faces

**This chapter contains major spoilers involving Groose and Ghirahim.**

**Not-So-Familiar Faces**

One thing you should know about Skyloft is that it's very _very_ different from the game.

First of all, it's huge as fuck. In-game Skyloft was, what, the size of a goodly park? Real Skyloft was a legitimate city, with all that entailed. Restrooms, restaurants, gardens, plazas, and more were everywhere. The population was larger as well: as opposed to twenty or so NPCs in the game, here were hundreds walking around, having a normal day. If I didn't happen to glance around at the many multicolored Loftwings circling and screeching, or the frequent breaks in the ground to reveal empty sky, I might've believed this was some normal town, though with some weird architecture and clothing choices.

I kept Pia on the leash and had to haul her bodily after me, so intent was she on sniffing every sniff there was to be sniffed. Every once in a while she turned to glance up at Ruti, who was trotting after Perigra and me on foot, and whimper strangely; I couldn't tell if she was scared or frustrated she couldn't try licking the bird.

Perigra and I walked past the Bazaar entrance – I was pretty sure some people had noticed Pia outside and were openly staring at some strange girl hauling around a giant brown creature on a purple rope – as casually as we could. The tent of the Bazaar was less roomy and stuffier from the dense pack of people I could see inside. The shopkeepers were less perpetually smiley as in the game and had the manic look of someone trying to remember a million orders as they bustled to and fro, exchanging goods for money with barely an acknowledging look. With a gush of nerdiness I saw a flash of green and realized it must be a Rupee; to see the imaginary currency made me eager to get my hands on one, just to claim I had.

Perigra said, "I'll take you to the Academy and we can get some lunch there."

"Okay," I replied, "thank you. Um, am I allowed to bring Pia in there?"

She pursed her lips. "You sure she won't attack anyone? She looks strong. And she's got big teeth too."

_Patience, patience, she doesn't know dogs. _I admonished myself, feeling bad for getting mad at her so. I knew she didn't mean it in an _offensive_ way, and hey, she was a Knight, no? Of course she would feel the need to protect the people of her town. No need for hasty anger.

"No, she just wants to lick people," I said, and laughed at the look with which this was received. "Yeah, she's weird. But sweet! She really loves everyone. Good dogs are like that."

Perigra smiled. "Just keep her close. Some of the other Knights might get suspicious, and I don't . . . honestly know how to explain something like this to them."

"I'm just glad she showed up here," I said, and patted Pia's head. She'd started to pant from excitement and heat (it was rather hot in Skyloft) and her mouth looked truly huge, taking up most of her face and baring her large teeth. "I feel like if she came on a little island like me she'd fall off, 'cause she's _just a dummy."_ I directed these last words at her, high-pitched; she realized I was talking to her and wagged her tail harder.

"Yes, and if someone saw her they wouldn't try to rescue her. They'd just think she was a monster or something," she replied, and I made a face at the thought: my Pia, being abandoned or attacked through ignorance. I thanked God she'd found me.

We came to a large wooden ramp, connecting the rest of Skyloft to a floating island with a white stone building the size of a mansion and a wide green lawn. Ruti rasped and took off, her huge wings clattering my teeth together. We started the climb; the ramp was steep and slick, and I was sweating in seconds. "Sorry about this," Perigra said, grimacing; I noticed she was not laboring at all, but taking long, easy strides. She wasn't even breathing hard. "They made the walkway steep so the youngsters wouldn't be encouraged to come up here and mess with us. It's also pretty good exercise."

"Well, that just goes to show how out of shape I am," I replied, and snorted. I tried to quiet my breathing more.

There were two Knights standing guard on the top of the ramp, and they nodded at Perigra and gave Pia and me a weird look. "They're with me," was all Perigra said, and they looked away.

"Don't mind me, just walkin' ma dog," I muttered under my breath. _Awkward._ I yanked Pia away when she tried to jump on them.

We passed more students, awkwardly looking away from their quizzical glances. Out of habit I kept my gaze fixed on the ground, as though studying the grass. Had I known I would be killing myself within 36 hours, I might've looked around more.

Perigra opened the front doors for me. It was a lot quieter inside, with no Loftwings screeching or people talking. The silence was heavy and stiff, like it was rude to break it. In other words, it was just like walking into an unfamiliar school, which of course it was.

But maybe it wasn't. There were some barrels of water next to a door to my right, and a hallway to my left. There was an open archway leading to a semi-full lunchroom; steam and delicious smells were eddying out on the ceiling. It was bigger, and more cluttered with posters, but . . . it was definitely the inside of Skyloft Academy from the game, and the one I knew. The hallway led to the rooms, and the door to the right was probably the bathroom where that fucking hand from Majora's Mask lived. I mean, if you run out of toilet paper, do you hide in the toilet bowl until someone comes? No.

Perigra motioned me over to the kitchen, straight ahead of us. I couldn't remember what it looked like in the game, but I was pretty sure it didn't have rows of long tables. I prayed silently that there would be no people there, and of course there were; my heart sank when I saw a group of kids in the corner. I stared around at the room pointedly, not meeting their gaze, even when I saw one do a double take at Pia and me and make the others turn to look at me. Oh, I was in pajamas. What a brilliant time to re-think of that.

"Take a seat anywhere, I'll get us something," Perigra said, and walked away toward a back area, where all the steam and smells were originating. I toddled over to a table awkwardly and sat, dragging Pia with me. She was very interested in the cooking area, and waved her head from side to side, sniffing.

Perigra trotted back to me, apparently just remembering something. "Do you want me to get your giant Remlit something?" she asked, and I covered my mouth with my hand to keep from giggling- _giant Remlit?_

She noticed me laughing. "Whazzit called again?" she asked, making an apologetic face.

"She's a dog, and yes, if that's okay," I answered, and rubbed Pia's back. Her tail thudded against the leg of the table.

"So what does she eat?"

I started to say something, but trailed away. Now this was where I drew a blank. I had no idea what food they had.

"Do you have meat?" When she nodded I asked, "What kind? Like, from what animal?"

"Well," she said, pursing her lips. "We have Octorok meat, mainly, and Guay . . . moldorm, goddess fish, silverfish, nabbers, Keese – though I don't recommend that, it's kind of tough-" (I jumped a little at the mention of the fictional bats) "-dovens, ghors-" And she went on to name several more completely unrecognizable words, which would have seemed like nonsense in the real world.

"Eh, you wouldn't happen . . . to have . . . cow meat? Or sheep, or goat, or pig?" I tried hopefully, but her blank look told all; the only games where they had any of those were Twilight Princess, Majora's Mask, and Ocarina of Time. Not in Skyward Sword.

"Well, do you have any cheese?" I asked. I couldn't give Pia too much, but cheese would make a nice snack for her.

Perigra gave me another weird look. "What's cheese?"

My eyes widened. "Cheese-" And then I realized. No cows, no milk, no dairy products. "Never mind, sorry. It's just a food we have that she likes."

She half-smiled, shaking her head. "Now I can't wait until you tell me where you're from."

Now I had to think, as I had no other option. Could I risk giving Pia some foreign meat? What if it was poisonous to dogs? I couldn't take that risk. No dog had ever tried _Octorok_ meat, and I wasn't about to let Pia be the guinea pig. "Uh, never mind," I said to Perigra apologetically. "I don't know if any of them are bad for her, and I don't want to make her sick accidently."

She nodded, smiling. "It's fine. What about for you? I was going to get myself some pumpkin soup, you want the same thing?"

"Sure, thank you." I loved pumpkin pie. Hopefully I'd like the soup.

She went away again. I looked down at Pia. Now and again she whimpered and tried to walk somewhere, but the leash stopped her. "C'mere, Pia," I said, dragging her over. I put my hand on her rump and forced her to sit. "Stay."

Her tail whacked the table harder. How that didn't hurt was beyond me. "I'm sorry you're here, my Pia," I said to her. "Well, not really. But if we get stuck here . . . sorry."

"Hey. Excuse me," a voice said next to me. I looked up. One of the kids had gotten up from the corner and was standing next to me, staring at Pia, who was straining toward him. "You new around here? We haven't seen you before."

His voice was annoyingly nasally. He was short, thick, and had a shiny crest of blue hair (which I couldn't help but stare at). He was the type of small kid that sat with the bigger teenagers and talked as much and as obnoxiously as he could. He was even wearing bright orange, as though to bring the most attention to himself.

"I'm . . . uh . . . not from here," I answered.

"Well, _duh. _So, uh, what's that thing you're holding?" he drawled, crossing his arms and staring at Pia. My smile got a little forced. I would have gladly told him what was going on if I had the time, and in my nastiest voice, but Perigra was coming back with two steaming bowls and food distracted me pretty heartily.

She set the two bowls down – each filled with thick brown-orange sludge – and gave the kid this cool look, like he was insulting her or something. "This boy bothering you?" she asked me.

"No no no, he's not," I said hurriedly.

She turned back to him. "A little privacy, Cawlin, please. The girl's having a long day."

I was in the middle of sniffing the food and did a double take. I whirled around and stared at the kid. Blue hair. Chubby. Bright orange shirt. How did I not _see_ this before?

Cawlin raised his hands defensively, starting an explanation, but Perigra made a hand gesture like, _Turn around and start walking_, and he complied grudgingly. I stared at him. He was taller than portrayed in the game, and not as baby-faced, but definitely the same guy.

How was I so blind as to not recognize him? There're only, what, ten unique NPCs in Skyward Sword? How many other wear a bright orange shirt? Or have goddamn blue hair?

I almost wanted to say something to him, but he was sitting down again and whispering to the others, and I wouldn't know what to say anyway. I almost wanted him to come back, just to hear him speak, as though now with the silence he wasn't real anymore. In an arrogant, argument-starting sort of way, I even almost wanted him to insult us, and started thinking of weird things to say. _Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but you're a piece of computer code, so fuck off._ I started sniggering to myself, and fought to control my face.

One of the other boys said something loud, and leaned back in his chair, putting his hands behind his head. _Well, don't you have ugly, puffy lips, _I thought sullenly. _And a loud obnoxious voice-_

_And a very red . . . pompadour. . . ._

I went slack-jawed, speechless. Now that I'd made the connection, the resemblance was so obvious I kicked myself. He was just as bulky and top-heavy and horse-faced as in the game, with the same pointed Hylian ears and wide, puffy lips and gold eyes as his cel-shaded counterpart. And, of course, there was the pompadour. One mustn't forget the pompadour.

And next to Groose was a tall, big-nosed boy with puffy stoner eyes and blond hair in a bowl haircut. Cawlin, Groose, and Strich were the only ones I recognized; the other kids were unfamiliar, evidently part of the vast multitude not planned out in the actual game but living in the real life version.

I realized how obviously I was staring at Groose and made an effort to look less creepy. I tensed up, ready to look somewhere else if he looked my way. He was easily the biggest one there, and seemed to know it, and flaunt it by sticking his head in other people's faces and leaning on the table so his muscles were obvious. His pompadour was shiny, and obviously gelled; in the game it had the same texture of normal hair, and was presumably natural. Not so in the real world, were physics applied.

I felt suddenly all giddy. I'd accepted this must be Skyward Sword in real life long ago, as impossible as it sounded, but here was solid proof, and it was _awesome._ Now, Groose was an absolute asshole in the beginning of the game, but his actions toward the end made him one of the best Zelda characters of all time. His character development was one of my favorite things to watch as the game went on. And, of course, on the Internet he'd become something of a memetic badass, which meant I wasn't alone in thinking this. It wasn't like he was a big burly teenager, probably older than me, with his own life and problems and debatable level of maturity. I was of the Internet, and to us he was more like a pet to be exclaimed over and shared.

There were only two things to make this moment better: either I would see Link and Zelda too, or Groose's Theme would start blaring out of nowhere as everyone got up and strutted around the room like geese, which is the involuntary reaction when that tune hits your ears.

"Hey, Tyler?" Perigra said tentatively. "You look like you just saw a ghost. You all right?"

"Wha- oh, yeah, sorry, I just thought . . . I recognized someone," I said hastily. "But I didn't, I mean, I don't know anyone here," I added, as she turned to see what I was looking at.

She sighed and made a face. "Those boys . . . they're in training to become Knights, you know, like me." She indicated her uniform. "If that's the future of our order, Goddess save us all." She swallowed another spoonful of soup.

I bit my lip to keep from smiling at the irony of this. If people like Groose were the future of this order, then the Skyloft Knights were going somewhere indeed. Stepping in front of an omnipotent sword spirit, who had once belonged to a chaos god, hell-bent on sacrificing a teenage girl to raise his old master took serious balls.

Then I realized belatedly she'd just called me Tyler. I sighed. Non-bird names were lost on this one. I wondered if anyone had trouble with Link or Zelda or Gaepora.

"Are you going to eat?" she asked then, pointing at me with her spoon, and I remembered how hungry I was again. I took a spoonful of the thick sludge and put it in my mouth. It did indeed taste like hot, liquid pumpkin pie. I shoveled some more down eagerly. Pia looked up at me and waved her head back and forth, sniffing, eyes wide. I bopped her on the nose, shaking a finger at her. No funny foreign soup for Pia, no no.

I glanced at Groose again. He was telling some funny story and the other boys were laughing uproariously. His voice was very deep. He sure seemed like the pompous prick he had been in the game's first hours. I assumed that confirmed the game's events hadn't happened yet.

"Um, Perigra," I started hesitantly. She looked up, eyebrows raised. "This is gonna be weird, that I know this, but do you know a kid named Link? Or a man named Link?"

She pursed her lips thoughtfully. "No, I- _Oh,_ Link, of course, he's the headmaster's daughter's friend. He's the one with the Crimson Loftwing. That's a really rare Loftwing," she added, presumably for my benefit, though I, of course, knew this already. She nodded sagely. "Those two. If there was a more obvious couple in Skyloft who wouldn't spit it out- Actually, I think we passed Link and Zelda on the way here."

"Right," I said, and then I blanked out in horror that I hadn't noticed them. I didn't know how long I would be here or if I would have a chance to see them again, and I'd missed them. They might've walked right past me and I hadn't noticed them. Them. The two trademark people of the Zelda series. I sighed and shook it off. "How old is he? Has he done the Wing Ceremony yet?"

"Oh, I don't know, I-" And then she paused. "No, wait, I know exactly when he's doing it, because _he-"_ She pointed her spoon at Groose. "-refuses to shut up about how he'll most definitely win, and I know he and Link are the same age. It's in a few months."

I sat back, nodding and taking another spoonful of soup. _A few months._ So Zelda hadn't been kidnapped yet, and the surface hadn't been discovered. Life was peaceful and normal. I was immediately glad I hadn't said anything about the events of the game. That would have been, like, a lethal spoiler in every sense of the phrase. _Hey, guess what. Death, destruction, and tons more are in store for you and your city, in just a few short months!_

"So if you've never been here, how'd you know who Link was, if you don't mind me asking?"

I made a face. "Well . . ."

"Let me guess. You'll tell me all about it later." I nodded silently, studying her, hoping she wasn't annoyed, but she just looked amused.

"Sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about. It's actually building suspense." We both laughed, and I tried to take another spoonful of soup, but I realized I'd finished it all. I _clunk_ed the bottom of my bowl with my wooden spoon sadly, wishing for more. The stuff was filling, and I felt warm all over. "Done? Oh, so am I." She scooped up my bowl along with hers and carried it over to the counter, leaving them there, and then stretched her arms. "The headmaster's office is right upstairs. Ready?"

_Oh._ The food, and then Groose, had distracted me from where we were, and the implications. Gaepora was right upstairs. He was the most eligible to get Pia and me home. If he couldn't help-

Pia whimpered and strained against her leash, wanting to go to Perigra. I got up and let her trot up to the Knight and lick her hands. Perigra snatched her hands away, snickering at the feeling. "That tongue is so slimy," she said, wiping her hands on her uniform. "They don't have poison spit, do they?"

I shook my head, the lighthearted feelings gone. My heart was pounding. I swallowed, my throat dry.

I walked out the door with Perigra with the dread and trepidation of a singer about to go on stage, having practiced the words and memorized what to say, but unaware of whether the audience would respond in the way she wanted.

v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^v^

**MMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEERP I'm back from summer.**

**To recap, I ate some soup. That's all that happened here. Oh, and I fangirled over Groose, because Groose.**

**Yaaay, this is the first thing I've updated since summer ended! For those of you who follow The Crimson Loftwing, don't fret. I am working on that base chapter I promised.**

**So yeah. Good night, all.**


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